Lucky
by Kiss Pookie
Summary: Lost in an image in a dream but there's no one there to wake her up. The world keeps spinning as she keeps on winning but tell me what happens when it stops ?


**Title: **Lucky

**Author: **Brimi

**Rating: **T

**Genre: **Drama/Romance

**Fandom: **Degrassi

**Pairing: **Emma/Ryan Emma/Sean Manny/Craig references to Ellie/Sean

**Summary: **She's so lucky she's a star, but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart thinking, if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night?

**Note: **

I've written this story close to five years ago in August of 2004 and it was very rough draft to be honest. The plot really hasn't changed too much over the years. A girl heartbroken by an ex moves away, finds fame and makes a life but when she returns home she finds true feelings she can't replace. Thanks to a friend of mine, Kelsea's suggestions and support upon making this story a little darker than originally planned. The story is still kind of hokey and a little bit meleodramatic and cheesy but I always had a soft spot for this story and I've been meaning to revamp it in such a way that it is realistic and easier, less predictable to read than in the past. I'm sure this revised edition will attract new readers.

There are notes I'd like to inform of. The story is playing backwards from very close to the end to the very beginning and revisits before during and after her fame jump and chronicles the visit to Degrassi. I will remind you when the jumps (time, place, point of view) happen in notes in the beginning of each chapter to avoid confusion.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**CHAPTER ONE:**** THE END**

Emma was waiting patiently for her flight to be called as she sat in the waiting are. She was ready to forget the disaster that was her first visit home in three years. She was ready to go away with her luggage close her her.

Just then she heard a familiar voice. Sean was breathlessly running after her.

"Wait. Wait for me. Emma please talk to me! You came to see me this morning. . . I know what it looked like seeing Ellie at the door - - trust me it's not her I want to be with. . It's not her I want to spend my life with - you left so fast. Please, listen don't go on that plane. Don't walk out again."

"You were with her last night and not the high school kind of thing!"

"Like I said I know how it looked but please listen to me! She led me on I was drinking and I know it's not really an excuse."

"Sean, we're not in high school anymore. I came here at least thinking I could forget all about you and then here you were and I fell for you. It wasn't all nostalgic it was like you didn't care about my career or anything and that was nice that someone saw me for more than just that because my walls have never come down so faster these past few weeks! And for what? I walk in on you sleeping with Ellie. "

"She's my ex girlfriend and things happened . . ."

"I thought you - - and I could start over or something. Sue me for getting so wrapped up so fast but you can't expect me to believe what you did was completely innocent. I can't see that I know people I was a little let down you'd do something like that, I thought that first night back in town was special. I don't want to see anymore hurt with this town again- I can't stand by and pretend I don't care."

"Then don't pretend you don't care! Caring is me because that's all I do."

"I know you know you hurt me so bad a few years ago, I had to skip town I couldn't live with it here, I couldn't see you everyday, it hurt too much. I can't finish out the holiday with a happy face, I have work to do. So, as for me walking again? It's me walking because I don't want to get hurt again."

"Honestly not to make an excuse, I passed out as soon as I got home. Ellie and I barely even kissed! We were all drinking even you. You're not going to take that, I know how it looked. You saw Ellie in a compromising position about three inches from my face at the party and I know you Emma. You're not too different from the girl I've known for years you are never one to accept an apology until you say it's okay and I get that, I respect it and I understand but this time, know I'm going to give you that but what do you give me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to ask you do something for me, I don't ask for a lot from you, but I'm going to ask you stay even if it's just for this holiday. Truthfully sorry for what happened last night just know is the last thing I'd want to is hurt you like I did all those years ago. I don't want to be that guy it took you leaving to realize I wasn't a good guy and it took some of my friends going to jail to see it but I managed to try to turn my life around."

"How do I know you're not so genuine? I have dated some while in the industry, I've dated some people and perhaps they weren't for the right reasons but they knew I was young, okay-looking. . "

"You're beautiful."

". . . naive and rich and sue me for being skeptical now that I've seen the good and the bad and the ugly. It makes sense that I care about you like this but why do you care after all these years? I know I have but I'm a girl, you're supposed to remember your first love. Realistically, you were with the girl for awhile, an-and I don't know why you followed me here."

"Four years ago, I sat in the hallway the day you skipped town, I didn't know the last time you were to look at me there was that day and there were - - s-so many things I wanted to say. Had I of known it would've been the last I would've said it, not let you walk out. I mentally kicked myself for all that for years. I watched you walk out before, Em. This time, you're not leaving without a fight; I want you to know that I love you."

_"Flight 69 to Los Angeles, is now boarding this is the last call. I repeat Flight 69 to Los Angeles is now boarding last call."_

"I have to go."

"Emma don't, don't go on that plane. Whatever you do, don't. Listen, hear me out."

"There are so many things you and I missed out on especially when you skipped off in high school. I blame me. You missed prom, you missed out on your baby brother growing up, you missed out on Katrina and I don't want a reason why, but I want you to have a chance of a life where you aren't being told what do, what to wear, how to act because that isn't you Emma. Since when do you let people tell you what to do? What about your causes?"

"I donated about a couple million to a bunch of causes, if you must know Sean. I'm still active."

"Not that, dam nit!" Emma found herself backing up partly in fear. "I mean, God, you always cared about other needs and causes bigger than us, bigger than you, you wanted to save the world! I always was cheering you on, I knew you'd be someone big."

"I sell out arenas, I make videos, I make a movie that is me that is me being a big superstar and yes it's hard sometimes but _Goddamnit _I do it! Besides everyone loves me for it. Why should I stop? So I disappointed you? I'm missing my flight home because I get to hear I'm a grand disappointment! What about you? You disappointed me; you left me when I needed you most! Where is Jay now? Jail, where I had always feared you'd wind up. There I go caring about someone who isn't me. I never wanted that for you but I had to go! Life goes on right? I was too hurt to stand by. and have to see you everyday and know how I still feel and how I'll always feel and now I feel maybe it was all over nothing. Way back then I was so scared and I wanted to be happy I couldn't bear to watch you throw your life out the window after you and your brother stopped getting along and we stopped having our frequent study dates and you rolled with Jay's crowed you were doing so good, you were trying for yourself. After you didn't even wanna work it all out I couldn't be there. I tried dating other people but the truth is I was too into someone else and I couldn't live a lie in Degrassi. . "

"So you live a lie in California?"

Grief-stricken Emma hesitated before speaking shaking her head but finding for once someone had figured her out "No."

"Now I see it but you know now it makes sense."

"What does?"

"You're unhappy and you're lying to yourself and that unhappiness is eating you alive and you know it. You're talking in circles to hide the fact that you're feelings are still unresolved. I'm standing here right here and I know you love me too but you're hiding behind words and stuff. "

Her eyes widened crossing her arms and shaking her head, "That's not true."

Sean then continued, "Don't lie to me you've never been good at lying to me. I see it, I can see through you when you're doing your little dances on your music videos. . And performing and doing all that you do out there - you're alone I get it so am I and it's you who I want to be with and I know you want it too and I can see through you right now. You know I think it's hard for you to fake your little onstage persona as little Teen Miss American Dream when you aren't even from America! I know you more than everyone else as just plastic and fake. You're name isn't even _Lucky_ for Christsakes!"

"Shhh, not so loud!"

"You're the one so against bare midriffs showing and cheerleaders being nothing more than pom pom pushing robots! You're better than this and you're not a hypocrite. I'm not saying you are even close to one! You're running from everything and everyone lets you do it because they can't stop you because let's face it you're on top of the world! I'm not like everyone else _I get you_, I'm Sean we have an unspeakable connection and crazy history - - I know you feel it too don't get me started on your covers of sad break-up ballads! You think people don't see just how unhappy you truly are. Just admit it; it's all some type of façade. You've never been one to admit you're wrong, just this once admit it. I want to see you take off that little Lucky mask and just be the real you for once."

Emma removed her large face camouflaging sunglasses while she exasperatedly closes her eyes momentarily letting out tears, when her eyes reopened she looked downcast and away from Sean's blue eyed gaze whispering, "I don't even know her anymore."

"What?"

She loudened her voice, "So is this what you wanted, you want to make me cry? That's really cruel, even for you!"

"N-no that's not - - but . . ."

". . .If only you knew how much I have really cried over you! It's not even funny. God you really think you do see right through me! You do, you really do." She blew her nose with her spare handkerchief she had been using a lot of these past hours. "Do you know that I almost didn't come here this holiday? Sue me for getting butterflies over this 'reunion' so to speak, it was hard for me seeing you again after all these years. At the same time I've always wanted to see if there was something more to us because we were so unresolved. When we broke up it was just crushing we spent a summer together where we were happy and in love and then as soon as you met those new friends they turned you into someone that was past forgiving. I still thought about it everyday and every night before I go off to sleep. I know you aren't like them but I just couldn't help myself. Confession to make, I did think before I left I thought about saying goodbye to you four years ago, you know? I really did, but you know what I thought, why should I think of you? That choice there has driven me insane for the past few years because there were so many things I wanted to say and I never thought it would matter to you. Now you listen to me, Sean I've already missed my flight, I have some stories to tell you."

"Can we at least sit down somewhere? I think it's all worth hearing."

_I was never one to believe that I'd want to change myself for anyone in my life, that belief just seemed utterly pointless. I always frowned that Manny did just that to vie for the attention of Sully that truthfully got her nowhere, and she was willing to flush her life down the toilet to have Craig. I never wanted to succumb to anything but here I was doing something very similar but for a whole different reason I always thought being in the public eye, being famous being, pretty, popular and such that it would take all the unhappiness of being heartbroken away after being heartbroken and then I'd find happiness in that. Instead it was the opposite in result of casting away what I believe in and being the girl I had always been I stopped loving me and all the things that went along with it._

_What I didn't know was the feelings I had were on the backburner and just prolonged. I had to become consumed by the new experiences in my life and it at first it wasn't like I feel now I was still just so young. There were so many things to do photo shots, music videos to film and plenty of press junkets and honestly there wasn't the time to think about how miserable I truly was. The only time I had to think was when I was alone and then I'd be too drained to do anything else but cry. There were about three months in the beginning where I was just making that climb from regular teenager from a small town in Canada to big time pop-star and I got to admit on the inside I was fine I thought that this could be something good or something I was having fun getting to play dress up during the photo shoots and sing songs I could remember singing in the shower when nobody was around or in my mirror with a hairbrush and here I was where girls could envy to be and the kind of girls guys would just love to be with. I wanted to make you jealous too I remember that intention._

_I mean it was nice being the girl, don't get me wrong it still is - being the girl all the guys want and all the girls want to be. I got confidence from love which isn't the best way but it worked for me for the time, it filled my voids where real love should be. I think was when problems started because eventually it hit me like a car crash. I had gone to reinvent myself only to find out I'm too far gone. I didn't know what I was truly getting into, I had no clue. I was always being invited to wild parties were I'd drink so much I would have to be carried out and I figured out my limits. My trust got really battered and I would isolate myself even at these parties I'd drink so much just for fun and I wouldn't care if I woke up to someone in the morning or not._

_I was set up on lots of business venture dates but it was mostly strictly business and at first I didn't know the difference between business and pleasure and other times I just wouldn't settle for them, I was just damn picky where other times I had no morals and I just went for any Tom, Dick and Harry because I didn't love myself and nobody loved me in my mind. I realized I had a problem where was one model from England who was from the States who I met at a club when I opened up for a band in Europe when I first started making music he looked like you, he even dressed like you did before we broke up and I guess whatever it was, be that I was lonely or whatever and I wasn't in the best of places I pursued him. I just wanted everything about him and I mean I guess he knew about my abundant history and it was all about you and like I said - I wanted to have him but he didn't know my inner workings like you. He doesn't know me, the real me he saw me as ditzy aspiring pop star Lucky and in result he only used me._

_It's when I realized how corrupt people are in the industry and it's good to keep your heart to yourself and never give yourself away, you see he had his charm on for that purpose and that purpose only and that's when I truly realized how good I had it. I was weak because, I still loved you but I knew deep down to try my dam nest to move on and forget but the more I pushed you out the more I remembered you. That whole notion was something I still tried to push away. I thought if the old Emma Nelson went away so would the feelings. It's like someone who has amnesia they don't remember but as for me? I tried not to which made it all come back at me ten fold._

_I'd have to start at the true beginning of how I got so messed up how I became the shell of a person I used to be like I said I don't even truly know her anymore. I have become a product of all that has happened to me and the screwed up world around me. When I look in the mirror I don't see me, Emma Nelson, as far as I can see it's simply the name on my birth certificate._

_I never thought you liked the real me, and I truthfully saw me as this you'd be blown away type of image and you'd like it like most guys do but if you were most guys, you wouldn't be you, that's what makes you worth all of this, that's what makes you different and maybe that's what makes me love you aside from our dysfunctional history. Believe you me, we got history tons of it the looks from across the room the study dates and even the sad messy breakups and that summer before freshman year before I skipped town, it was the best summer of my life. When you said things when, as and a little after we broke up I remember those words more than I remember the things you used to say when we were happy and together. Honestly, I first I stopped believing in love after my heart was broken within a year from each other first from you and second from that playboy wigger Eminem wannabe Simon who might I add is now a total has-been and then I forced myself to believe in things that were untrue and I forced myself not to remember you, Degrassi or anything aside and as far as Manny but music slowly became my only release, aside from other things I don't care to mention but I have to get my story across. For the record the thing that went down with Simon was more of a wake up call. I consumed myself in work and I vowed never to come back here, but Manny invited me over for the Holidays and unlike the other times this time I couldn't say no. So here we are at the beginning . . . _


End file.
